Ferelden 2:0 Real Life

daienglteaserAuch wenn ich meine deutsche Leserschaft (sprich: 4 von meinen 5 wöchentlichen Lesern) sehr zu schätzen weiß, muss ich einfach mal wieder ins Englische zurückfallen. Das ist keine Entschuldigung, denn sowas hab ich nicht nötig, ist schliesslich mein Blog.

My new job… Let me point out how awesome it is: I get to play videogames professionally, I make movies about them, I get to travel across Germany, I’ll be a real editor afterwards and I get royally paid for this! Furthermore it has brought a certain order back into my life, which I haven’t had, ever since I left grammar school. I wake up at 7.00, am at work at 9.00, get my groceries on my way home and sit in front of my Xbox by 19.00 at the very latest! Then I play Dragon Age until 2.00. Life’s good.

Nevertheless I have been looking forward to this exact week-end. Why? Not because I’m meeting up with some person or friend, or because of any other form of Real Life confrontation – No. Because instead of 2 x 24 hours, I get 2 x 24 hours +1! Thank the Maker for the clock change!
BTW – I haven’t changed the time of my wristwatch yet, because thinking I’m going to work at 9.45 lightens up my spirits every morning!

I’ve had this entire week-end planned out strategically. First I’m going to visit the Brecilian Forest to confront the Dalish elves with our request for aid in the battle against the Blight. I was just getting ready, when Alistair came up to me, wanting to have a word. „Sure, have one! Strawberry Jam.“, I answered. And although those were actually two words, it was not what he wanted. No, he had a fit of jealousy and wanted to talk about Zevran. I did what I would do, if this were a real relationship (what I mean is: if it were a relationship in Real Life): I got bothered. But since I love him, I told him what he wanted to hear: There’s nothing between me and Zevran, you’re the only one for me, over there you can get lunch. What I didn’t say was: Maybe I will let you die through the hand of the Arch Demon, or get myself killed doing it. Don’t get me wrong: What I have with Alistair is really special. But it was more special the first time I played the game and he fell in love with me completely by himself, because I was so awesome. Not because I was intenionally nice to him and gave him lots of presents, to land in bed with him and get an achievement for it. That’s the case now, the approximately seventh time I’m playing this bleeding game.

Anywho, I kicked Zevran out of my team and pulled the stinking Mabari Hound in. Now Alistair doesn’t have any reason to fret. He never had, but I thought it was better to let him think that for a little while. Just before Morrigan, Alistair, the Dog and me headed out for the forest, Morrigan came up to me. I was like „What now?!“
In her own special and not overly friendly way, she asked me to kill her mother Flemeth. „A witch of the wild – are you insane?!“ I said slightly shocked. Oh, sod it, I’ll do it.
Of course when I rearranged my „Winner Team“ (Me, Ol‘ Al‘, Zev and Sten) into the „Ultimate Fucking Slayer Team of Power and Awesomeness“ (Alistair, the strong tank, me the rogue with a lot of DPS, Morrigan the Apostate Arcane Warrior of the Dark and Wynne, the Healing Mage of Good Health and Power) Morrigan pulled out, because she apparently can’t come to the slaying of her own mother. „What, do you have some urgent business meeting to attend to?“ Never mind. So I took Leliana, the Annoying Bard.

But I had not the slightest idea about just how annoying Leliana really was. I had made a big mistake by taking too many women. They kept talking about shoes (shoes? I mean, really? Shoes?!) and Alistair and our sex life. Give me a break, womenly women! Cliché clash alert! When we finally reached Flemeth’s hut I was so annoyed I could have headbutted a kitten. Then, Flemeth annoyed me even more by not letting me kill her properly! She turned into a fucking dragon, stronger than the high-fucking-dragon, stroke Alistair dead, beheaded Leliana (she had it coming), burned Wynne alive and litterally tore me to pieces. Just one of the many reasons why I love this game so much. There is blood. Everywhere. I reloaded the game and went the peaceful way. I asked Flemeth for the book Morrigan wanted to kill her for and promised her, to lie to her daughter. Back at the camp the world was suddenly on order again.

„Let’s please just go to the forests, I want to get going!“ I said when we arrived at Party Camp and thought of a cool and witty addition to that sentence, something like „The Blight never sleeps“ or „Let’s roundhouse kick those darkspawn bastards right back to where they came from“. That would have been a stupid idea, because Alistair reacts allergic to the word ‚bastard‘ and kicking the darkspawn back into the Deep Roads would only bring more problems once we’re actually heading for the Deep Roads. So screw it.

Just when the perfect, witty, funny and encouraging sentence came to me – Sten came as well. „What do you want, big man that remembers me of Minks but does not have a hamster.“ I asked. „What do you need a hamster for?“ „I ask the questions“. He told me how he’s been captured (right…), imprisoned (yawn…) and that his favourite sword was taken from him. In rage over not finding his sword, he butchered an entire Farmer family. „Wow, you’ve taken that well. You know, one time I thought I had lost my glasses, I looked for them everywhere, turns out I was wearing them all the time!“ „Will you help me find my sword?“ „Yeah, sure.“

As I was pondering wether to o go to Lake Calenhad first to find Stens sword or to go to the Brecilian Forests, a dire word came to my mind. Just a flash of the word really, but a shocking vision of darkness: „DLC“
There was DLC called „Return to Ostagar“. Hm, visit Ostagar again and maybe be confronted with new facts about the late king Cailan? Hurrah! Pay 400 or so Microsoft Points for it? Hell to the fucking No. One second I was sitting in my PELLO, shaking my head about the thought of downloading new content for real money, when I suddenly found myself sitting at the computer with an acknowledgement of receipt on the screen for 2000 Microsoft Points, I apparently just bought. „So that’s how they do it!“ I said astonished. „Bastards.“

As I was taking off to Ostagar only with Alistair and my dog (I didn’t want anybody to come with us, Ostagar is really our business, even though I know Wynne was there too) we of course were ambushed as usual. But this time Leliana walked up to me after the tough fight. „So you’re taking a side quest for Sten?“ „Eventually…“, I answered. „Since I do not only have an opinion about everything and I love shoes so much, I of course have a side quest too!“ That’s not exactly what she said, but it was exactly what I heard. And of course in her sidequest she wanted to visit somebody in Denerim. Of course it was a woman. She was probably looking for someone she could talk about shoes to. „Please not you too!“ I moaned. „Wait, who am I kidding? Of course you too!“ I cried out annoyed. Then I surrendered „Sure, next time we’re in Denerim, fine. But let’s find the idiotic sword first.“ And try talking to Zevran first, he was conspicuously happy about a pair of elven boots I gave him.

I decided to ignore Stens and Lelianas pleas for help on their individual idiotic quests, I wanted to go to the Dalish, I needed to go to the Dalish! The quest itself was not that important. In Orzammar waits a far more compelling and interesting and worthy quest. But the Dalish camp in the Brecilian Forest held something more for me, something I truly desired, something magical-…
An extension to my backpack of 10 spaces, so I can loot 10 more items!